不打擾的勇氣 Courage not to disturb

當哥哥還是七個月大的時候，我帶他去上蒙特梭利的親子空間上親子課。我還記得哥哥的第一個蒙特梭利老師很認真的和我說： 媽媽，您就在旁邊陪著他，讓他自由去探索。他有需要的時候，您才幫忙。因為當時我還在上班，所以每週的親子課是我和哥哥的"一起"時間。如果在一起，我真的不用說？不用教？不用做什麼？

出於職業的習慣，我愛觀察人。既然老師說"無為觀察"，那我就大大方方地看。那節課，哥哥從一個角落開始探索，有些"玩具"他直接略過，有些"玩具"他看了很久，然後又觀察了其他孩子很久。當他在"觀察"某個玩具的時候，他的蒙特梭利老師，就會在他的面前像拆解動作一樣，慢慢地把這個玩具"怎麼玩"示範給他，有時候他對這示範的玩具感到興趣，會接過玩具自己玩，而有時候他會直接離開。當他離開的時候，老師沒有說任何一句話，只是把玩具輕輕地放回了原來的地方。 我原以為，哥哥在新的環境會害怕不敢玩，要媽媽陪。看來，是媽媽我多想了。除了幾次哥哥有回頭確認了我還在，餘下的整節課他都表現得非常自在，玩得也非常專注。

看著老師的處理，我回想到自己和孩子玩的過程。天啊，其實不是我的孩子在玩，是我把我的想法加在我的孩子身上了。以前在家裡，我會坐在旁邊，"教"孩子這個玩具應該怎麼玩，當他做錯的時候，我會說"應該要這樣"，然後急著把正確的示範給他看。或者，我還沒等到他"觀察結束"，我就迫不及待的拿出另一個我覺得"他可能感興趣"的玩具，然後叫他一起玩。天啊，不自覺的，我成為了那個"掌控並且一直打擾小孩"的媽媽。那天回到家，我開始模仿親子空間蒙特梭利老師的處理方式，在和哥哥"一起玩"的時候，我大多數時間就在旁邊，"無為"的陪伴。

慢慢地，哥哥在對他有興趣的"玩具"上，開始了更長時間的專注。從二三十秒，到一分鐘，然後五分鐘。現在哥哥快三歲了，他可以獨自專注地玩30分鐘。

持續的專注力，不管是對小孩而言，還是成人，都是需要練習的。

作為成人，我們都很清楚的明白：在成人的世界，專心是需要練習，需要所謂的"時間，空間，和能力"， 尤其是在當今電子產品和社交媒體盛行的世界裡。如果這個事情是您感興趣的，只要有時間，有空間（無人打擾），那麼您會很快地專注在這事情上。 但是如果這個事情是您不感興趣，就算時間和空間都具備，您也需要花很多"力氣"去專心做這個事情。 我還記得，在我讀MBA的時候，剛開始接觸上市企業的財務報表，要非常專注的看內容然後去解決問題，因為我對這個內容不熟悉而且不感興趣，可以處理的時間又很短，真的需要花上很多的"力氣"去做這件事情。如果這時候被人打擾，就要從新再來，所以那時候我都很討厭"被打擾"，哪怕是室友的一句話，或者是一個手機信息聲。

我們可以很包容的給予成人時間和空間去專注做事情。同理，我們更應該要提供機會給孩子去練習他們的"專注力"。0-3歲孩子的世界其實很簡單，因為他們的學習動力都是從"內心"出發，他會自己選擇想要什麼，作為爸爸媽媽的我們，能做的就是給予時間和空間，好好保護孩子的這份專注，讓孩子去"探索"，去"做"，去"犯錯"，這是一個反反覆覆的練習過程。 同時，我們也應該儘量去"觀察"，放下預設立場，透過孩子的眼睛去看，這樣，我們才可以知道孩子對什麼感興趣，喜歡做什麼。

其實所有的孩子都有"與生俱來"的"專注力，不是嗎？ 回想一下，當孩子還是嬰兒的時候，他會注視這某一些物品，一直看或者是所謂的"放空"；再回想一下，在您帶小孩的過程中，還記得那些"讓人害怕"的寂靜嗎？通常孩子都是高度集中注意力在做"壞事"，比如說拉衛生紙，玩馬桶水等等。他們都是太專注在"工作"，所以什麼聲音都沒有。所以說，孩子真的"與生俱來"都有專注力。

我們作為爸爸媽媽，就是要從小好好"保護"這份專注力。孩子長大的過程中，他才可以不斷地練習專注，在日後的人生，這份專注可以變成他的"優勢能力"，幫助他可以正向地面對人生的種種難題。

When my older son F was seven months old, I took him to a Montessori parent-child class. I still remember that his first Montessori teacher told me that: dear mama, the only thing you will do here is to be here for F and let him explore freely. You only offer help when he needs it. Because I was still working at that time, the weekly parent-child class was the "us" time with F. So, if I would like to spend time with F, do I need not say anything? No need to teach? Doing nothing?

Out of professional habits, I love to "observe people." Since the teacher said "inaction," I will sit and watch F. In that lesson, F started to explore from a corner. Some "toys" he skipped directly, and some "toys" he observed for a long time, and then he watched other children for a long time. When he was "observing" a particular toy, his Montessori teacher would slowly show him "how to play the toy" like a dismantling action in front of him. Sometimes he showed interest in that toy, he will take it over and play by himself, and sometimes he will crawl away directly. When he left, the teacher didn't say a word but gently put the toy back to its original place. I thought F would be afraid to play in the new environment and always wanted me to accompany him. It seems that I just overthought. Except for a few times when F looked back and confirmed that I was still there, he was very comfortable and focused for the rest of the class.

Looking at the teacher's handling, I reflected on how I played with F. Oh my God, it's not my child who is playing; it is I who add my thoughts to my child. I used to sit next to F and "teach" him how to play with a toy. When he made a mistake, I would say, "it should be like this", and then rushed to show him the correct demonstration. Or, before I waited for him to "end his observation," I took out another toy that I think "maybe more interesting to him" and asked him to play with it. Oh my god, unconsciously, I became the mother who "controls and always disturbs the child". When I got home that day, I started to imitate how the Montessori teacher handled it. When I was "playing with F," I was by his side most of the time, accompanied by "doing nothing."

Slowly, F started to concentrate on the "toys" that he was interested in. From twenty or thirty seconds to one minute, then five minutes. Now that F is almost three years old, he can concentrate on playing for 30 minutes alone.

Continuous concentration, whether for children or adults, requires practice.

As adults, we all clearly understand: concentration requires practice in our adult world; we need so-called "time, space, and ability", especially in the current world where electronic products and social media are prevalent. If this matter is of interest to you, as long as there is time and space (no one disturbs), you will quickly focus on it. But if you are not interested in this matter, even if time and space are available, you still need to spend a lot of "energy" to concentrate on it. When I was studying for my MBA, I still remember that it took a lot of effort to focus on the financial reports analysis contents and solve related problems. I was not familiar with the contents and did not feel interested in it. I hated being disturbed, whether it was a word from my roommate or the message sound from the phone.

We can be very tolerant to give adults time and space to focus on doing things. In the same way, we should also provide opportunities for children to practice their "concentration." The world of 0-3-year-old children is simply because their motivation for learning is from the "inner heart," he will choose what he wants. As parents, we can give time and space to protect our children's concentration, allowing our children to "explore," "do," and "make mistakes." It is a repeated practice process. Simultaneously, we should try our best to "observe" our children, put aside the bias and see through the child's eyes to know the child's interests.

All children have their "innate" concentration, don't they? Recall that when a child was a baby, he would look at particular objects, always looking at them; Or do you remember the "frightening silence"? Usually, children concentrate on doing the "bad things", such as pulling toilet paper, playing with toilet water, etc., they do not make any sound. See? Children are really "born" with concentration ability!

As parents, we must "protect" this concentration from childhood. When the child grows up, he can continue to practice the concentration skill. Hopefully, this concentration skill can become his "comparative advantage," helping him face all kinds of life challenges positively.