在悔和愛中的自我反思 Self-reflection through guilt and love

前幾天，我吼了我的小孩。那一刻，我壓力很大，失去耐心。我脾氣要爆發的那一刻，我意識到我被自己的情緒劫持了，但是我選擇了我，而不是我們，或他-我的孩子。當然，那個晚上，甚至接下來的幾天，我內心充滿了內疚。

"請脫鞋！"，"請在觸摸所有物品之前先洗手！"，"請坐馬桶，因為你已經濕褲子了！（他仍在如廁練習階段）"，"淋浴間拜託，""拜託，請吃飯。" ...我希望他按照我的時間表完成所有事情，但他沒有。相反，他卻只是在公寓裡笑著跑來跑去。我開始越來越大聲地命令他去做事情，然後當他刷牙時從牙膏管中擠出所有牙膏時，我失去了理智線，像瘋女人一樣大喊大叫。

我的狀態不好，因為弟弟的出生，我嚴重缺乏睡眠。像許多媽媽一樣，我也每天面對著在有限的時間內安排所有時程，完成家務事的壓力（這包括無休止的烹飪，打掃，清洗和折疊衣服以及喂食和購買家庭所需品）。然而我的老大才28個月大，我們從托兒所回家的時後其實他也累了，所以才開始調皮。而他的弟弟幾乎在同時因為餓而開始哭泣。所以，負面情緒不斷升級演變為壓力，而這壓力終究在最後一下爆起來了。那當下，其實我們家中沒有人是心情愉快的。

那天晚上在就寢前，我為我的生氣大喊向我的孩子道歉，並和孩子對整個事件進行了反思，我向他解釋了發生了什麼以及我為什么生氣。他吻了我晚安，然後告訴我他想被擁抱。我真的對所發生的事情感到很非常難過...

那天晚上當我獨自一人時，我開始反省自己的整個教養旅程。我想了解自己的情緒模式，希望找到一個屬於我自己的"冷靜錨"，以提醒自己在將來，如果我要發脾氣時，可以聯想到這個"冷靜錨"，以儘量保持鎮定冷靜。

於是我開始嘗試與自己進行反思的對話，這聽起來很奇怪，但非常有幫助：

- 孩子容易引發我生氣的具體情況是什麼？

當我的孩子調皮時，他不聽我話的時，或者是沒有做我期望他要做的事時。

-"聽我話，完成我期望他做的事情"對我來說，意味著什麼？

這意味著他是一個善解人意的孩子，而我們還可以完成所有需要做的"工作"（如吃飯，洗手，洗澡等）。

-然後呢？

然後，我可以有更多的空閒時間陪他玩耍或讀書，然後我可以有更多的私人時間做自己的事情。

-有更多的空閒時間陪他玩耍或讀書對我來說，意味著什麼？

我可以和我的孩子結伴在一起度過美好的時光，然後當他長大時，他會記住這樣的時刻。

-為什麼"記住這樣的時刻"對我如此重要？

因為我想成為一個好媽媽，我想陪他。因為我不是和父母一起長大，所以我想為自己的孩子創造這樣的回憶。

這時，我突然"當頭一棒"，一個至關重要的"啊哈時刻"！

我想在稍晚的時候與他共度美好時光，但是，在當下那一刻，我正試圖敦促他去做他當時還沒有準備好的事情。在這種情況下，我引出了一場權力遊戲，導致了我的孩子哭泣和沮喪。我那刻沒有活在當下，而是活在了計畫中的未來。我本可以以一種更有趣的方式與他互動來完成這些任務，享受當下。但是我根本沒有和他連結在一起！

我將自己原生家庭的問題帶入了自己的育兒教養中。因為我沒有得到我父母的"甜蜜育兒記憶"，所以我試圖為我的孩子創造類似的記憶。相反，我太過了，這個"好的出發點"卻朝另一個方向發展。

原來有問題的人是我。在這裡，我是問題，不是我的孩子！我想用糾正他的方式來與他連結！其實我才是需要"被糾正"的人！

-了解到這個" 啊哈時刻"，以後我會做些什麼？

對於"必須做的事情"，也許我將使用"遊玩的方法"或提供"有趣的選擇方法"來引導他自己獨立完成。例如，讓他選擇是要先用左手還是先用右手洗手。甚至，也許在某些時候，我需要對那些"必須做"的事情可以保持靈活和放鬆的態度。

-當我想到" 我是在高質伴我的孩子，同時我們也正在完成所有"必須要做的事情"時，我會看到哪些視覺畫面？

我們兩個一起在洗手池邊笑，一起傻呼呼地開玩笑，開懷大笑。

那幅畫面成為我的"冷靜錨"。從那天晚上開始，每當我快要失去耐心時，那幅畫面就會出現在我的腦海裡，緊繃的感覺慢慢地就消失了，很快的，我就可以運用一種新的"有趣的策略"來完成"必須做的事情"，而無需再下命令了。

每當我看到我小孩的笑臉時，我知道他活在當下，而他就是他！

***

I yelled at my toddler the other day. I was stressed and lost my patience. When bursting out, I noticed that my emotions hijacked me, but I still chose me over us, or him-my child. Of course, I felt so guilty afterward for the whole evening, even the next few days.

"Take off your shoes, please!", "Wash your hands before touching everything, please!", "Go to the toilet because you already wet your pants, please! (he is still at the potty exercising phase)", "Shower please," "Come and eat dinner, please "... All the things I expected him to finish according to my schedule, he didn't. Instead, he just ran around the apartment, laughing. I started commanding him to do things louder and louder. Then when he squeezed out all the toothpaste from the toothpaste tube while brushing his teeth, I lost my mind and yelled like a crazy woman.

I was exhausted from the sleepless nights due to our newborn's arrival. Like many mums, I also face the pressure to arrange all schedules and complete housework within a limited time every day (including endless cooking, cleaning, washing, and folding clothes, feeding, and purchasing household items). However, my toddler is only 28 months old. He was actually tired after we returned home from the daycare, so he started to be naughty. And his younger brother started crying because he was hungry almost at the same time. Therefore, negative emotions continue to escalate and evolve into pressure, and this pressure eventually explodes at the end. At that very moment, no one in our family was in a happy mood.

Before going to bed that night, I apologized to my child for my yelling and reflected on the whole incident with him. I explained to him what happened and why I was angry. He kissed me good night and then told me he wanted to be hugged. I really feel sad about what happened...

When I was alone that night, I began to reflect on my entire parenting journey. I want to understand my emotional pattern, hoping to find a "calm anchor." Such a "calm anchor" can remind me that in the future, if I am about to lose my temper, I can think of such a "calm anchor" to remain calm.

I started trying to have a reflective conversation with myself, sounding strange but very helpful:

-What are the specific situations that my child easily triggers me to get angry?

When my toddler became naughty, he did not listen to me, did not do things I expected him to do.

-What does "listen to me, finish the things I expected him to do" mean to me?

It meant that he is an understanding boy, and we can also finish all the checklist tasks (like eating, handwashing, bathing, etc.

-And then what?

Then I can have more free time with him playing or reading, and then I can have more personal time doing my own things.

-Having more free time with him playing or reading means what to you?

I can bond with my toddler for spending quality time together; then, when he grows up, he will remember such moments.

-Why "remembering such moments" are so crucial for me?

Because I want to be a good mum, and I want to be there for him. Because I did not grow up with my own parents, I want to create such memories for my own children.

Suddenly, it was already having a crucial "Aha moment"!

I want to spend quality time with him later. Instead, I am trying to rush him to do things that he was not ready for at that moment; In this case, I led to a power game, which caused my child to cry and frustrate. I did not live in the present moment but in the planned future. I could have interacted with him in a more exciting way to complete these tasks and enjoy the moment. But I am not connected with him at all!

I am bringing my own original family problems into my own parenting. Because I did not get the "sweet parenting memories" from my parents, I am trying to create such memories for my child. Instead, I am trying too hard, and it just turns in a different direction.

I am the one with problems; I am the problems here, not my toddler! I am trying to correct him, wanting to connect! I am the one who needs to be "corrected"!

-Knowing about the "Aha moments," what would I do differently in the future?

For the "must-do tasks," Maybe I will use the "play-based method" or provide an "interesting choices method" to guide him to do it independently. For example, let him choose whether he wants to wash hands with the left hand first or right hand first. Or maybe sometimes I have to be flexible and more relaxed on those "must-do" tasks.

-When I think of "quality time bonding while doing the "must-do tasks" with my toddler, what visional pictures do I see?

We two laugh together at the handwashing sink, making stupid jokes together.

And that picture becomes my new anchor. Since that night, whenever I am about to lose my patience, I remember that picture. Somehow the tense just started losing up. I can quickly apply a new "fun strategy" to finish the "must-do" tasks without commanding.

Whenever I see my toddler's smiling face in front of me, I know that he is living in the moment, and he is who he is!  

*Photo by Mathilde Langevin on Unsplash