害怕的權利 The right to be afraid
我兒子F是一個觀察型的孩子，他不算膽小，但是面對衝突，動作大的孩子，或者讓他不舒服的地方，他會害怕。 在F他很小的時候，他的害怕反映在"哭"這個表達；在他稍微大一點的時候，他的害怕反映在"逃"這個行為，他會躲開動作大的孩子，會儘量避開讓自己不舒服的地方。現在他的語言表達能力逐漸變強，他會告訴成人：這讓我不舒服，如果無法解決，他會摀著耳朵或者捂著眼睛。
一直以來，我覺得自己在陪伴幫助孩子處理情緒這一課，答卷應該是不錯。上禮拜，我帶F去上了一節創意畫畫課，發生了一些小插曲，讓我再度反思自己在"孩子情緒處理"這一課上，我到底及格了沒？
禮拜日，我和朋友為我們的孩子安排了一節"創意畫畫課"，老實說，我很喜歡這類風格的畫畫，小孩子在一定的界線內自由創作。一開始，F很開心，因為在現場有他的好朋友們，而且畫畫的主題是"海洋生物"，F最喜歡一切和動物有關係的活動。一個多小時過去，他表現還算穩定。然而，在氣球環節開始，F的情緒開始出來了。因為要剪破氣球而讓氣球內的顏料有噴灑的效果，老師都會希望孩子戴上眼鏡來保護自己。我沒有想到，F會因為剪氣球而爆破的聲音而開始出現害怕的情緒，因為我沒有及時介入，這個害怕的情緒引起了其他抵觸情緒產生。當下，我走到他身邊，摟著他問他你害怕聲音嗎？他說有，然後他說"我要回家"。我和他解釋說，大家都還在畫，課還沒有結束，我們再堅持一下，可以嗎？他沒有拒絕，但是也沒有回答，他就這樣撐著把課程結束。
我忽略了一些其他因素：畫畫課安排在下午5點，而且持續超過兩個小時； 而F的睡眠時間一般是晚上7點半上床睡覺，他其實已經很累。當天他穿的衣服也不足，他的手和身體是冰。可以說他整個人的狀態是不好的。加上對聲音的敏感，從而引發了他的情緒抵觸。
課程結束後，我急忙抱著他回家，吃飯梳洗，然後睡覺。那天晚上，他很快就睡著了，也沒有時間去梳理當天發生的事情； 只是我晚晚沒有想到，整個晚上，他的情緒反映在他的夢裡，一直在做惡夢，反覆說著"我要回家，我不要畫了"。
我意識到，當下我沒有幫助他梳理他的情緒，沒有讓他說出他的害怕和不安，這份情緒反映到睡眠上。晚上，我躺在床上反思，我其實可以做得更好：
在他出現"害怕"這個情緒的時候，我應該要更認真地對待，可以更早地介入。除了摟著他，我可以嘗試和他解釋聲音的來源，甚至可以玩"摀著耳朵"的遊戲，分散他的注意力。
給予他兩個選擇，讓他在一定的程度和距離上遠離刺激點，但是又可以把課程完成。
如果狀態真的很不好，帶離現場。
晚上睡覺前，還是要盡能力去梳理情緒。
最後，儘量不要安排睡覺前的任何新活動。
第二天早上，我們坐著一起吃早餐。我覺得要幫他梳理昨天發生的事情和情緒。
我問F：昨天畫畫，你覺得你是開心的還是害怕？
他回答："害怕"。
我："可以和我分享，你昨天害怕什麼？"
F："我怕氣球刺破的聲音，我害怕帶眼鏡。"
我："哦，氣球破的聲音，和帶眼鏡的感覺，讓你覺得不舒服。然後你沒有辦法離開現場，所以害怕了，是嗎？"
F："是"。
我："我知道了，謝謝你分享。害怕是很正常的情緒，是你的感受，你昨天害怕的時候有嘗試用手捂耳朵，我看到了。你做得很好，嘗試保護自己，也讓媽媽看到。媽媽有嘗試抱你，幫助你讓你不害怕。但是好像對你來說，沒有用。對不起，下次我會再嘗試做更好。"
F："嗯"
我："那你可以告訴我，昨天畫畫有讓你開心的部分嗎？"
F："和G一起玩，我們一起選海洋生物，然後幫他們洗澡，洗洗洗，刷刷刷，好好玩。"
我："真好，雖然你有害怕，但是你也能在這個活動發現的樂趣，那下次還要去畫嗎？"
F： "要，和和G一起畫。"
自從那場對話後，F再也沒有做相關畫畫的惡夢，同時在談起畫畫的時候，他只提起快樂的場面。每個人都有快樂，悲傷，害怕的權利，人生路上，我們也總會和這些情緒不斷地打交道，如果我們可以允許悲傷和害怕的情緒，學會自我梳理，並且在悲傷和害怕的情緒中找到正向的點或找到那一絲絲的快樂，也許從這些所謂"負面的情緒"中走出來就不會那麼難了，換句話說，要過快樂的生活也許就不會那麼難了。
My son F is an observing child. He is not timid, but he is afraid of conflicts, children with fast movements, or places that make him uncomfortable. When F was very little and felt scared, he cried differently; And as F grew, he chose to run away when he felt fearful. Now his language skills are gradually becoming more robust; he will tell adults: This makes me uncomfortable; And if he can not escape from the uncomfortable points, he will cover his ears or protect his eyes.
For a long time, I feel that I am doing an excellent job to help my children deal with emotions. Last week, I took F to a creative painting class. Some small episodes made me reflect: did I do an excellent job? or even did I pass?
On Sunday, my friend and I arranged a "creative drawing lesson" for our children. I like this style of painting, and children can create freely within certain boundaries. In the beginning, F was pleased because there were his good friends, and the theme of the painting was "marine creatures." F likes all activities related to animals the most. For the first one hour, his performance was reasonably stable. After the first hour, the teacher introduced a "paint balloon session" (Note: Balloon filled with paint and needed to be cut, letting the paint splash on the canvas. For safety reasons, children are required to wear eye protection glasses during the session.), I did not anticipate that F's emotions would come out. I didn't expect that F would start to show fear because of the sound of cutting the balloon and bursting, and I did not intervene in time, and this fear caused other resistance. I walked to him, put my arms around him, and asked: "Are you afraid of sound?" He said yes, and then he said, "I want to go home." I explained to him that everyone is still drawing and the class is not over yet, so let's hold on to it for a little longer, shall we? He didn't refuse, but he didn't answer either, but he continued participating in ending the course.
I overlooked some other factors: the painting class is scheduled at 5 pm and lasts longer than I expected (almost two and half hours), and F's usually goes to bed around 7:30 in the evening; he was exhausted. He didn't wear enough clothes that day, his hands and body were very cold. His whole state is not good. He was also very sensitive to loud sounds, which triggered his emotional resistance.
After the course, I hurriedly took him home, ate, and took a quick shower to take off the paints. And then he went straight to bed. That night, he fell asleep quickly, and we didn't have time to sort out what happened that day. It's just that I didn't expect that night; his emotions were reflected in his dreams. He kept having nightmares and kept shouting. "I want to go home, and I don't want to paint anymore."
At that moment, I realized that I did not help him sort out his emotions, did not let him express his fear and anxiety, and this emotion ends up causing lousy sleep. At night, when I lay in bed and reflected, I can do better:
When he has the "fear" emotion, I should take it more seriously and intervene earlier. In addition to holding him, I can try to explain the sound to him and even play a "covering ears" game to distract him.
Give him two choices, allowing him to stay away from the stimulation point but complete the course.
If the condition is awful, take him away from the scene.
Before going to bed at night, we should still try our best to sort out the emotions.
Finally, try not to schedule any new activities before bed routine.
The next morning, we sat and had breakfast together. I knew that I need to help F sort out what happened yesterday and his emotions.
I asked F: About the painting class yesterday, were you happy or scared?
He replied: "Afraid."
Me: "Would you share with me; what were you afraid of yesterday?"
F: "I'm afraid of the sound of balloon piercing; I'm afraid of wearing glasses."
Me: "Oh, the sound of the balloon bursting and the feeling of wearing glasses make you feel uncomfortable. And you can't leave the scene, so you're scared, right?"
F: "Yes."
Me: "I see. Thank you for sharing. Fear is a normal emotion. It is your feeling. When you were afraid yesterday, you tried to cover your ears with your hands. I saw it. You did a good job of trying to protect yourself. And you are trying to make me aware. I was trying to hug you and help you not to be afraid. But it seems to be of no use to you. Sorry, I will try to do better next time."
F: "Hmm, ok."
Me: "Did you find any happy moments during the painting class yesterday?"
F: "Play with G. We choose the marine creatures together, and then we help them bathe, wash, and brush. It's fun."
Me: "It's great. Although you were afraid, you could still find some fun in this activity. Do you still want to join such a painting class next time?"
F: "Yes, and with G!"
Since that conversation, F has never had any nightmares related to painting, and when talking about painting class, he only mentioned happy scenes.
Everyone has the right to be happy, sad, and afraid. Throughout our lives, we will always deal with these emotions continuously. If we can allow sad and scared feelings, learn to handle our emotions, and find positive spots from those "negatively labeled" emotions, living a happy life may not be difficult to achieve.