育兒教養的“底線期待 Bottom line expectation in parenting

育兒有時是一組談判。有一天，我兩歲的兒子來找我，告訴我他想在午餐時間之前喝一瓶酸奶。我知道，如果我直接拒絕他的要求，他一定會發脾氣；但是我也能幾乎確定，如果我同意他的要求，他將無法正常吃午餐。

當下那個時刻，我想起了談判技巧中的“期望底線”。期望底線是談判的最後障礙，低於這個底線，談判不會再進一步進行。這也是捍衛自己，免受談判者經常施加的壓力和誘惑，而做出對自己不利的協議。

在這次"酸奶談判"中，我問我自己我的的期望底線是什麼？很快我就知道我的底線是"我希望他好好的吃午餐"。知道了這個底線後，我就知道我接下來應該要要做什麼。我蹲下來，告訴他兩個選擇："寶貝，我知道你想喝酸奶，但是我們很快就會吃午餐，你想在午餐後喝一瓶酸奶，還是只在午餐前用湯匙吃兩勺酸奶？"當然，一開始的"談判"並不順利。我兩歲的孩子堅持要喝酸奶（至少他還沒有到尖叫淚噴的地步），我盡可能保持鎮定，並一直同理他的感覺"我知道你很想喝酸奶"，只是我一直堅持只提供了兩種選擇：飯後喝一瓶酸奶，或飯前兩勺酸奶。經過幾回合，奇蹟發生了！我兩歲的孩子小聲地告訴我，他想在午餐前吃兩勺酸奶"。於是我給他勺子，他用勺子把酸奶放到他的碗裡。他吃完兩個勺子的酸奶，然後開心地把碗和勺子放回了洗碗機。

當然，養育子女並不是要進行權力遊戲，而且它永遠不應該是權力遊戲！我們作為父母，如果知道我們在育兒過程中的真正期望底線是什麼，這就可能有助於建立和諧的家庭氣氛。

作為父母，我們對孩子的不同話題，情景或階段有著不同的期望。不管是希望孩子可以整夜安然入睡，還是可以多吃蔬菜保持健康。只是，孩子不是我們的擁有物。他們是獨立的人；他們有自己的想法和"發展議程"。是的，他們可能需要我們在某個階段引導他們去認識這個世界；他們可能會需要我們幫助他們設置各種界限，來適應這個世界。但是他們就是他們自己，所以他們也有自己的"期望"。

如果我們可以對每個情境設置期望底線，或者對每個發展議題設置我們自己的期望底線，也許我們和孩子，甚至和伴侶之間就會少了很多不必要的"拉鋸戰"。比如說，如果我的期望底線是希望孩子可以健康成長，而對我來言健康成長意味著孩子可以至少每餐吃一份蔬菜，那麼我就可能對孩子某天是否只愛吃番茄而不吃紅蘿蔔的問題沒有那麼在意了。

“期望底線”同樣適用於伴侶之間的育兒旅程。畢竟作為爸爸媽媽，我們是來自不同背景的兩個人，育兒旅程中肯定會有意見分歧的時候。如果我們作為合作夥伴就“期望底線”達成共識，例如：在照顧孩子的過程中沒有出現嚴重的身體受傷事故。那在不同情境下雙方的育兒風格差異就變得沒有那麼重要了，也許因此雙方也不會為這些不同而爭論或者感到心理不舒服。 

Parenting sometimes is a set of negotiations. One day my two-year-old son came to me and told me that he wanted to drink a bottle of yogurt right before lunchtime. At that moment, I knew that if I turned down his request a hard way, it would lead to a tantrum; but I also knew that if I agreed on what he wanted, he would not be able to eat lunch.

It somehow reminds me of bottom-line expectations in negotiation. The bottom line is meant to act as the final barrier, where negotiation will not proceed further. It is a means to defend oneself against the pressure and temptation often exerted on a negotiator to conclude an agreement that is self-defeating.

In this "yogurt negotiation," I asked myself what my bottom line expectations are? Soon I knew that my bottom line was, "I hope he eats lunch well." After learning this bottom line, I know what I should do next. I squatted down and told him two options: "Baby, I know you want to eat yogurt, but we will eat lunch very soon. Would you like to eat one bottle of kid's yogurt after eating proper lunch, or would you like to eat two spoons of yogurt only before lunch?" Of course, it was not a smooth negotiation at first; my two years old insisted that he wanted to eat yogurt. I remained as calm as I could be, kept acknowledging his feeling, "I know you like to eat yogurt." Still, then I just kept offering the same two options: one bottle of kid's yogurt after eating proper lunch or two spoons of greek yogurt only before lunch. After a few rounds of back and forth, a miracle happened! My two-year-old told me that he wanted to eat "two spoons of greek yogurt before lunch." So I gave him the spoon and let him scoop the yogurt into his bowl; he scooped the yogurt twice into his bowl and then finished it with a smile.

Of course, parenting is not about exercising power games; it should never be! But if we as parents know what our actual bottom-line expectations are, it may help create harmony.

As parents, we have different expectations for different topics, scenarios, or phases for our children. Whether we would like our child to sleep through the nights, eat more vegetables, or stay healthy.

But we do not own our children; they are individuals; they have their minds and "development agendas." Yes, they may need us to guide them in the world at some points; they may require us to help them set up boundaries. But they are who they are, so they also have their own "expectations."

Suppose we can set the bottom line expectation for each situation or each development phase. There could be less unnecessary "tug-of-war" between our children and us, or even between our partner and us. For example, if my bottom line expectation for my child is that he grows up healthy. And healthy growth means to me that he eats at least one type of vegetables per day. Whether my child would prefer tomatoes over carrots on a specific day is no longer a concern.

The same "bottom line expectation" can also be applied to parenting ideas between partners. We are two individuals from different backgrounds; of course, there would be moments of disagreements of parenting. Suppose we as partners agree on the bottom line expectations, e.g., no casualty on the child. In that case, different parenting styles for different scenarios become less critical, and perhaps these differences are no longer worth argument.