親愛的先生 - Dear husband
I love you! I fell in love with you, and we decided to be there for each other forever, through thick and thin. Then we become a married couple; then we have a lovely child.
Things have changed after our child was born; perhaps feelings have changed. Our conversations are very transactional, only all about child care or household topics. We do not date anymore, we are not creating a romance between us anymore, And we are drifting apart.
Before I became a mother, I studied, went to a great school, lived abroad, had a career. After our child was born, situations have changed. My career is no longer a priority but a secondary option for the family, and I no longer have my own independent life. Yes, sometimes, you helped me with childcare and household to go out with my friends for social connection. But it is different; I can not describe it with words...
Being a mother makes my life complete. I am thrilled and satisfied. Please don't get me wrong, but I do feel lonely, empty, and insecure often.
When your day may be exciting or tough with work projects, believe me, you will achieve something for yourself, perhaps a bonus, a promotion, or even recognition.
However, my day：diapers changing, feeding, making breakfast, cleaning up, folding clothes, playing with the child, bringing the child to nap, preparing food for our child, making lunch, feeding, getting the child to nap, taking the child out for a walk, bathing, feeding, cleaning up, cooking dinner, clothes washing, dishwashing, feeding and bringing the child to bed, and perhaps waking up in the middle of the nights caring for our child... At the end of each day, I don't really know what I have achieved, besides taking care of the child and the household. All these tasks are repetitive and transactional day by day...
When you are out there in the work environment, perhaps you will meet interesting people and socialize. My socializing circle is the mums' supportive group, and often topics are child-related. Gosh, I miss so much about adults' socialization. Of course, I can reconnect with my friends or ex-colleagues, but it will not be a spontaneous hangout，it must be planned and coordinated in advance.
I know that you are a great husband and an amazing dad; I trust you take care of us much. But you may never understand my feeling: the sense of financial insecurity always haunts me when we argue, I am dependent on you. I studied and worked so hard for the past 20 years to become independent, and now since we have a child, I have become dependent...
You may wonder, why don't I go back to work if I am really that frustrated? I love my child, and I want to be there for my child. The reality is that I cannot be 100% committed to working in the company while spending time with my children. I need to pick up my child from school at four in the afternoon. If the child is sick or the school is closed, I need to accompany the child. I also hope to spend hours with his parents (at least one of us) every day. There is no flexible working culture here, and no company can take me seriously here if I leave at 4pm to pick him up. We do not have any family support here. To make the best scenario for our child, we decided to be the primary carer.
I know, if I have to choose my child or my career again, I will, without any hesitation, choose my child over any career. I knew that we had discussed it and made the decision together, I didn't mean to complain about it, nor am I complaining. Perhaps my feelings would become better when the child becomes older. Sometimes I just simply wish that I can be myself, fully myself; be a wife, fully wife; and be a mother, fully mother. I just want you to understand it, care about me, and perhaps recognize my family's efforts.
I am still madly in love with you!
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