快樂爸媽，快樂小孩 / Happy Parents & Happy Kids

身為父母，我們都希望孩子快樂，過著幸福開心的生活。不管是透過物質或是實際經驗來滿足他們，還是陪伴他們，我們都竭盡全力完成這一使命。

瑪麗亞·蒙特梭利（Maria Montessori）主張，孩子從出生到三歲，具備著吸收性的心智（absorbent mind）。孩子在這個時期像海綿一樣，吸收來自外界的各種訊息，不管是大人的舉手投足、言行談吐，或是情緒態度，都會烙印在孩子腦中。此時的孩子學習力特別快，不僅是身理上，更是心智上的建立，他們努力學習如何成為一個獨立生命個體。因此，孩子的頭三年非常重要，個性的形塑就在這個時候。

根據威斯康辛大學公共衛生學院精神學系的瑪麗蓮·埃塞克斯（Marilyn J. Essex）所進行的研究發現，當父母在孩子出生頭幾年處在極大壓力狀態時，孩子掌管大腦發育和胰島素分泌的基因會深受其害，影響時間不短，直到孩子進入青春期都會受影響。

因此，身為父母的我們，希望孩子能快樂，那我們得先捫心自問：我真的快樂嗎？在大人世界，幸福感是極為奢侈的感受，而許多人逐漸失去了體驗和享受幸福的能力。每個人對幸福有自己的定義，尋找幸福是相當個人且靈性的探索過程。

要尋找自己的幸福可能太難、太複雜，但是作為父母，我們可以透過其他方式為孩子創造正面積極、平和幸福的環境，藉此培養自身的幸福感。這樣的環境不是用成堆的玩具或五花八門的體驗來製造，而是運用正念的力量（mindfulness）。

孩子出生當下的喜悅是難以形容的，小孩子帶來的快樂是充實無比的。但隨著無數哭鬧的漫漫長夜、堆積如山的家務、夫妻之間永無止境的爭論、新角色轉變帶來的情感隔閡，或是孩子發脾氣的哭鬧，在在都給父母帶來無形的壓力，消磨當初單純的喜悅。

誰不想天天與孩子和睦相處？但我們是人，我們也有自己的情緒，所以感到生氣或沮喪是很正常的。作為父母，我們應該尋找和平積極的方式來面對自己的負面情緒，在處於壓力時刻，不要讓憤怒或挫敗感束縛我們。壓力來時，先接受自己的情緒，專注於呼吸，或喝杯水讓自己冷靜。

我們必須給予孩子一定的尊重。如果孩子們已經成為我們釋放壓力的對象，一旦我們冷靜下來了，我們應該要向他們解釋發生了什麼事情，以及告訴他你的感受如何（但要注意，我們應該著重在觸發你情緒的事情或行為，而不是針對人）。如果有必要，要勇於向他們道歉。我們還可以與孩子們討論未來類似情形發生時，要怎麼因應。

「父母也有犯錯的時候，或是面臨不知所措和情緒潰堤。但無論如何，最重要的是要全力以赴。父母的身教影響孩子。烙印在孩子們心中的不是爸媽說了什麼，而是那些言語所伴隨的行為舉止。父母的生活態度深深影響孩子如何生活。父母的愛和生活方式就像地底下炙熱的岩漿，成為孩子最深層的心靈能量，支持他們在人生道路上邁步向前。」池田大作先生精選集 Happy Parents, Happy Kids

As parents, we all want our children to be happy and live happily in their lives. Don't we? We try our best to fulfill such a mission in our lives, whether we try to offer our children material satisfaction or experiences or give them mental support by accompanying them.

Maria Montessori believed that children from birth to 3 years old had an absorbent mind. From 0 to 3 years old, children absorb all information from their surroundings, and this is when the young child is growing not only physically but also spiritually. The child learns to become a human being. The first three years in life are of great importance. During this time, the child forms his personality. Children unconsciously copy and reflect adults' gestures, speaking styles, or even attitudes.

According to the research conducted by Marilyn J. Essex from the Psychiatry Department, University of Wisconsin School of Medicine and Public Health, when parents are significantly stressed during their child's first few years of life, some children's genes, which involve insulin production and brain development, will have to prolong impacts, even years later, in adolescence.

So if we as parents want our children to be happy, one fundamental question for parents is: "Are we truly happy?" In the adult world, happiness has become a luxury for many people, and we lose the ability to recognize and enjoy pleasure. Everyone, as an individual, has his/her definition of happiness. It is a very private self-discovering and perhaps soul-searching journey.

It may be too big and too complicated to find happiness. However, as parents, we can somehow create a positive, peaceful, and joyful environment for our children to foster happiness. We do not need a whole house of toys or different experiences to make such a feeling. All we need is mindfulness.

When our child was born, the moment of happiness was beyond description. The joy that the little one has brought was just abundant. Yet it slowly kicked in with sleepless nights bombarded by baby's tantrums, the household tasks piling up as urban jungle, the never-ending negative discussion between the couples, the emotional gap from the new role transition... All of the above could lead to stressful moments for parents.

Who does not want to be peaceful with their children 24/7? But we are human beings, and we also have our emotions. It is okay to be angry or upset or feel frustrated. As parents, we should learn and strive to create a peaceful and positive way to deal with our anger or frustration, not letting our emotions hijack our reactions when we are in stressful moments. When we are under stress, be present, and acknowledge our feelings first. We can focus on breathing or drink some water if it helps you to calm down. Afterward, return to yourself before we try to take care of children or handle their tantrums.

We should also always respect our children. If we already stress out to our children, once we both calm down, we can still explain to them what has happened and how we feel (Note: we should focus on the behaviors that trigger your emotion instead of the person) and apologize is necessary. We can also invite children to discuss or explore options about how to prevent future situations.

"You may, at times, make mistakes become overwhelmed, or lose your temper. What is important, however, is to make a wholehearted effort. Children grow up watching their parents. It is not the parents' words that children hear. No matter what wonderful things parents may say, children will never listen if their words are not accompanied by action. Children's lives will be determined by how parents live. The parents' love and way of life will, like magma beneath the earth's crust, from the innermost core of children's hearts and become a source of energy to support the rest of their lives." Mr. Ikeda's selected speeches, essays, and books, HAPPY PARENTS, HAPPY KIDS.