關於戒尿布的那兩三事 - My journey of supporting my son “toilet learning”
哥哥2歲9個月，算是戒尿布成功！用蒙式話語來說，哥哥已經如廁練習成功了。雖然偶爾還是有意外。
我是如何用蒙特梭利的方式來支持哥哥去自主上洗手間？關於如何定時提醒孩子上廁所，如何學習拉褲子，這些都可以在網上找到信息。在這文章裡，我會分享更多關於孩子的反覆期以及他的情緒，以及媽媽我是如何應對的。
我想先分享幾個點：
每個孩子都不一樣，個性，氣質，容忍度等等。所以我們需要觀察，需要用不一樣的方式來對待。
關於自主上洗手間這事情。我們要先弄明白，到底是誰的事情？是孩子自己的事情，還是爸爸媽媽的事情？如果是爸爸媽媽的事，那麼要做到哪個時間，哪個程度才算是孩子的事情？ 這些都應該要考慮，因為對於孩子來說，這是所謂"自由與界限"的開始。
在所謂戒尿布的階段，爸爸媽媽或者主要照顧者的心態如何？真的準備好了嗎？這很重要。因為在這個學習過程中，會有很多反反覆覆，爸爸媽媽或者主要照顧者的語氣如何對孩子來說影響很大。
哥哥的性格其實很溫，但是也很堅持，很有自己的想法。所以在這個練習上洗手間的過程中，我需要和他一起過很多關。
在家設置孩子的如廁環境
在哥哥很小的時候，我準備了一個和大人一樣的兒童馬桶，我告訴哥哥：你長大了，你可以坐你的馬桶。在馬桶旁邊，我準備了以下幾個物品：
乾淨的學習褲，褲子，衣服
紙巾
關於如廁的兒童繪本
在孩子馬桶旁邊的牆上，貼上兒童快樂坐馬桶的圖片
髒衣籃
孩子可以坐著換褲子和衣服的板凳
孩子洗手的空間
清潔工具
如何讓他主動地，自願地上馬桶。
哥哥他在學校的如廁練習其實已經做得很好，只是還是會有小意外（指得是尿尿部分）。當然這是很正常的事情，我必須接受。就我對哥哥的觀察，他可以容忍長時間的穿著尿濕的褲子，尤其是學習褲（因為比較厚），對他來說，這不是不舒服的點。所以當他學會拉褲子後沒多久，我就直接換上了一般的小內褲，因為材質很薄，所以哥哥會更有感覺。確實是換了內褲後沒多久，哥哥在尿尿後會馬上告訴大人，我尿濕了。
每次尿濕，我都會告訴哥哥：你尿濕了，這很正常，你在學習過程中，來我們來坐一下馬桶，然後換褲子。 在他換完褲子後，我會告訴他：下次我們可以在肚子鼓鼓的時候，就提前來馬桶坐著尿尿咯。
在哥哥再大一點的時候，他會開始憋尿或者嘗試挑戰憋久一點。有時候他會為了繼續玩，就忘記了上廁所這事情。孩子都不希望大人一直提醒，但是他好像又還沒有做到自主提前上洗手間，所以經常是濕褲子。這樣來來往往，大家對於要上廁所這事情都有情緒。可是我不能強迫他，因為這樣他可能會有抗拒的情緒。
所以，在某天（在學校如廁狀況比較穩定的時候），我和哥哥說：上廁所是你自己的事情，不是我的事情。所以從今天開始，不管你在學校還是家裡尿濕了褲子，我們需要洗褲子，並且清洗尿濕的地方。媽媽可以陪你一起洗，但是你也需要自己洗。哥哥一開始，對於洗褲子是很開心的（因為是新的工作），只是就那樣，我們洗了大概一個禮拜的褲子，有時候是2條，有時候是12條，洗了大概4-5次褲子後，哥哥覺得不再好玩，而且很累。我和哥哥說："是啊，洗褲子是很累的，如果不想洗褲子，我們就只能提前去上馬桶了。" 也很快他自主尿尿的情況就明顯改善，目前大部分時間，哥哥是可以自己提前去上馬桶，不再需要提醒。
那大便呢？我們也是用了同樣的方法，因為哥哥覺得很髒，洗了三次大便的褲子後，哥哥現在是自己提前坐在馬桶裡大便了。
孩子情緒來了，我怎麼做？
關於孩子上廁所的事情，大部分孩子都有各種各樣的情緒：比如說，不喜歡被打斷工作，不喜歡被提醒等等。
通常，我會問他，你需要媽媽提醒你上廁所還是你可以自己主動上？ 或者是你要現在去上廁所還是等做完這個工作再上廁所？ 又或者是你要媽媽陪你上廁所還是爸爸陪？等等的選擇。但是如果哥哥鬧起情緒的時候，可以很久，很猛。這時候，我都是坐在旁邊陪伴，等他冷靜下來的時候，再和他說話，同理他情緒，然後再給出兩個選擇。當然，隨著哥哥長大，也許不再是提供兩個選擇，而是和他溝通，比如說，為什麼要上？他可以怎麼做？等等。
在哥哥洗褲子那段時間，尤其是洗大便的褲子時候，確實哥哥是有抗拒的情緒。比如有幾天是拒絕大便，或者是晚上作夢會喊：我不要洗褲子。這時候，我能做的，就是"等等他"。褲子還是要洗的（不能往後退），但是沒有再急著要提醒去上廁所。每天起床後，我會和哥哥說，你可以去馬桶大便，如果你想要，如果你還沒有準備好，我們可以再等等你。我知道你很抗拒，有不舒服的地方，我明白改變對你來說是很大的壓力。但是你已經做得很好，很努力在學習如廁。媽媽，我愛你。我們一起加油。就那樣，在憋了四天後，他自己說："我要去馬桶大便"。
我自己的一些反思：
我自己本身對於幫孩子換尿布，清洗大便等事情是比較抗拒，所以我一直使用紙尿布。因為方便，比較容易清洗。但是這對孩子來說，不是最好的，因為他讓孩子感覺不到自己的身體不舒服的感覺。而且他一直適應了用紙尿布解決生理需求，突然要使用馬桶，當然是一個很大轉變。 如果真的是尊重孩子，在這個過程就應該從孩子的角度出發，不是從我的議程出發。
其實如廁，進食和自主睡覺等事情都是很自然的生理過程。如果我們從孩子小的時候就開始介紹如何進食（如要坐在椅子吃，用湯匙吃），如何睡眠（在床上睡），為什麼我們不可以從他們小的時候就介紹馬桶呢（就是如何坐，什麼時候坐等等）？目的不是為了要馬上戒掉尿布，而是一個認識，自然接受的過程，讓孩子不會覺得陌生。所以在我家弟弟開始會獨立坐的時候，我們就固定改成下午用學習褲，和定時一起上廁所。目的是讓弟弟感覺不陌生。
耐心和接受。 尊重每個孩子的不同，因為不是所有孩子都可以馬上戒掉尿布，不是所有孩子都適用同一個辦法。孩子如廁練習的過程真的是反反覆覆的過程，我所能做的就是耐心和接受。
那天，我和我先生開玩笑說："當孩子自主在馬桶裡大便成功的時候，比我以前在工作中成功簽下一百萬的單還要有成就感！"
My son F is two years old and nine months old, and he has successfully quit using diapers! In the Montessori language, F can already go to the bathroom independently, although there are accidents occasionally.
How did I use Montessori to support my son to go to the bathroom independently? You can find much information on reminding children to regularly go to the toilet and learn to pull pants online. This article will share more about the regression period, his emotional journey, and how I, as a mother, responded during this journey.
To highlight few points:
Every child is different: their personality, temperament, tolerance are distinct, etc. So we need to observe the child and apply other methods accordingly.
The child goes to the toilet independently. We must first understand, whose matter is it? Is it the child's own or the parent's matter? If it is a matter for parents, then when and to what extent will it be considered a child's matter? These should all be considered because this is the beginning of the child's so-called "freedom and boundaries."
In the toilet learning phase, what is the mentality of the parents or the primary caregivers? Are you ready? The mindset is crucial. Because during this learning process, there will be a lot of repetition, how the parents or the primary caregiver's tone will significantly affect the child.
F has a very gentle personality, but he is also very persistent and has strong opinions. So during the toilet learning period, I need to often work with him together.
Set up children's toilet environment at home
When F was very young, I prepared a children's potty which looks like an adult one. I told my F: now you grow up, you can sit on your potty like us sitting on our potty. Next to the potty, I prepared the following items:
Clean learning pants, pants, clothes
Wipe towel
Children's picture book about going to the toilet
On the wall next to the children's potty, I put some pictures of children sitting on the potty happily.
Dirty clothes basket
A little bench where the child can sit on and change his pants and clothes
Space for children to wash their hands
Cleaning tool
How to support him actively and voluntarily go to the toilet?
F did an excellent job of toilet exercises at school; there are still minor accidents (referring to the peeing part). Of course, this is a normal thing, and I must accept it. Based on my observations, F can tolerate wearing wet pants for a long time, especially the learning pants (because they are thicker). For him, this is not uncomfortable. Not long after he learned to pull his pants, I change to using ordinary panties because the material is very thin so that F will feel better. Indeed, not long after I switched him to wear regular underwear, F would tell the adults immediately after peeing that he was wet.
Every time F wet himself, I will tell him: You are wet. This is normal, and you are learning; please come and sit on the toilet and change your pants. After he changes his pants, I will explain to him: next time, we can come to the bathroom in advance and pee when we have a bulging belly.
When F developed his blade-holding skills, he would start to hold back urine or challenge holding back a little longer. Sometimes he would forget about going to the toilet to continue playing. Of course, like all children, F does not want adults to keep reminding, but he seems to have not yet made it to go to the bathroom on time, so he often wets his pants. It was getting stressful for both of us. But I can't force him because he might be resisting going to the toilet and causing a bigger problem.
So, one day (when F's toilet situation at school was relatively stable), I told him: "Going to the toilet is your matter, not mine. So starting today, if you wet your pants at school or home, we need to wash your pants and clean the wet place. I can help you wash the pants together, but you also need to wash them yourself. In the beginning, F was pleased about washing pants (because it is a new work for him), but just like that, we washed pants for about a week, sometimes two pairs, sometimes twelve pairs, and after washed about four-five times, F felt no more fun and was very tired. I said to him, "Yes, washing pants is very tiring. If you don't want to wash your pants, the only way is to go to the toilet in advance." Soon after that, his urinating situation improved significantly. Now, most of the time, F can go to the toilet in advance by himself and no longer needs to be reminded.
What about pooping? We also applied the same method. F felt the pants with poop were very dirty. After washing his pants three times, he manages to go to poo in the toilet by himself.
My child has a tantrum about going to the toilet; what should I do?
When it comes to children going to the bathroom, most children have various emotions/tantrums: for example, they don't like being interrupted at work, don't like being reminded, don't want to change, etc.
Usually, I would ask him, do you need your mother to remind you to go to the toilet, or can you go to the toilet yourself? Or do you want to go to the toilet now or wait until you finish this work? Or do you want me to accompany you to the bathroom or your father? If F has an intense tantrum, I always sit next to accompany him. When he calms down, I will talk to him again, empathize with his emotions, and then provide two choices. Of course, as he grows up, I may no longer provide two options, but communicate with him, for example, why do you need to go? What can he do? and many more.
When F started washing his pants, especially when he was washing his pants with poop, he resisted. For example, there were days when he refused to poo, or in the evening, he dreamed screaming: I don't want to wash my pants. At that moment, all I can do is "pause, wait for him." We can not go back to stage zero, so we still need to wash pants if he pees or poo on it, but there is no rush to remind him to go to the toilet. After getting up every day, I will tell F that you can go to the bathroom to defecate. If you want, if you are not ready, we can wait for you. I know that you are very resistant and have some discomforts now. I understand that change is a lot of pressure for you. But you have done an excellent job, and you are learning to use the toilet with all your efforts. I love you, and I am proud of you. We can do it together. Just like that, after holding back for four days, he said to me one day: "I'm going to the toilet to defecate now."
Some reflections on my own:
I'm not particularly eager to change children's diapers, clean their poop, etc., so I always use paper diapers. Because of its convenience, it is easier to clean. But this is not the best for the child because it makes the child not feel uncomfortable with his body. Moreover, he has been adapted to using diapers to solve his physiological needs, and suddenly, we wanted him to use the toilet. This is a significant change for him. If we truly respect the child, we should start from the child's perspective in this process, not from my plan.
Things like going to the toilet, eating, and self-sleeping are all-natural physiological processes. If we started to introduce how to eat (such as sitting in a chair and eating with a spoon) and how to sleep (sleeping in bed) since children were young, why can't we introduce the toilet when children are little (how to sit, when to sit, etc.)? The goal is not to quit using diapers right away, but a process of recognition and natural acceptance so that children will not feel unfamiliar with using the toilet. When F's little brother F started to sit independently, we switched using learning pants in the afternoon and regularly went to the bathroom together. The purpose is to make the H feel familiar.
Patience and acceptance. Respect every child's difference because not all children can quit using diapers immediately, and not all children accept the same method. The process of children's toilet practicing is iterative. All I can do is be patient and accept that this is a back-and-forth process.
On that day, I joked with my husband: "When F successfully defecated in the toilet on his own, there is a sense of accomplishment more than when I successfully signed a million deal at work before!"