溝通的藝術The art of communication

我不是溝通專家；我不會告訴您該如何和您的伴侶或孩子進行有效溝通，從而他們會聽得進您的話。

但是我想分享一下我在過去15年從事人力資源工作和並作為認證的NLP（神經語言程序）溝通教練所學到的溝通技能和知識，這些技能和知識可能適用。

在擔任人力資源的過去15年中，我專門從事招聘領域的工作。我在不同的國家面試了許多不同職位的候選人，無論他們是首席執行官還是工廠質量控制專家的候選人，又無論他們是德國人，法國人，中國人還是新加坡人。 每個人都是獨一無二的。每個人的溝通方式取決於他/她的個性，教育程度，工作經驗和風格偏好而各不相同。因此，沒有一種方法適合所有情況，尤其是對於一個家庭所有成員而言。

然而，我也經常聽到伴侶因為溝通不暢而互相抱怨，甚至或者父母不知道該與孩子說什麼。

也許下面一些"交流/面試技巧"可以幫助打開"溝通"的門。

• 保持好奇心！

如果您想進一步了解您的伴侶或孩子在白天發生的事情，您將需要保持真正的好奇心。

您對他們在白天做了什麼事情，或者某個事情是如何發生然後如何發展等都要感到真正好奇，而您問的問題是不帶有任何自我的事先判斷或偏見。您將成為一個很好的傾聽者並提出相關問題。

"聽多於問，問多於說出自己的觀點。"

並且值得記住的是，問問題的時間點要對，意味著您問問題的當下是伴侶或孩子想分享的時問。否則，談話將會很快結束，您的伴侶和孩子甚至可能會感到要回答問題的壓力。

• 4W1H

我們總是嘗試在面試中提出開放性問題，避免出現"是或否"等封閉性問題，因為我們想了解更多信息並進行有意義的對話。

對於伴侶/孩子的對話也該如此；如果您想了解更多，應用4W1H方法可能有助於打開對話。

4W1H是代表？ 其實是英文中的" What, who, when, where, and how." 開始的問句 （直譯為：發生了什麼時候，誰，什麼時候，什麼地方以及如何發生"）。

例如：你今天過的怎麼樣？你的項目發展怎麼樣，如何突破？你今天和誰一起玩，怎麼玩？

• 儘量避免問"為什麼"的問題！

當我們問"為什麼"的問題時，它常常引導對方開始尋找答案或者藉口的理由，有時甚至是為了辯護而找的理由。老實說，有時候知道這些理由並不會正向地促使對話更進一步，反而有時甚至會使情況變得複雜。

例如：當妻子問丈夫，"你為什麼這樣做？"她可能只是想了解情況，但丈夫可能會感到被質疑和被挑戰，於是開始尋找辯護的理由。如果雙方稍不注意語氣，一個好奇的簡單問題便很可能會觸法一場負面的溝通風暴。

不問"為什麼"，但是又想知道事情的緣由，您也可以嘗試換一個方式問，比如："你是如何決定，這個事情要這樣做？"

• 最後，接受"男生和女生的思維和感受方式確實存在一些根本差異"。

儘管我堅定地相信和倡導工作場所的性別平等，但大多數男生和女生的想法和感覺確實有所不同，尤其是在家庭環境中，女生天性比較感性和容易共鳴。當我們告訴我們的伴侶，我們今天在生活中發生的事情時，我們只是在希望他們聽取我們的想法。我們需要的是聆聽，支持和理解。我們並不是需要建議或批評。而男生通常喜歡分析，並經常以解決問題為導向的，因此，當女生談論使我們沮喪的事情時，男生的頭腦已經開始對這個不存在的問題提出更多的問題，及其發展的可能性和相應對的解決方案。也許以上的情境比較以偏概全概；但是，了解伴侶間這些差異有助於更好地溝通。當您與您的伴侶在某些情況下意見不一致甚至爭執時，也許您是明白您的伴侶其實是在關心您的，只是他/她的方式與您所期待的方式有所不同而已。

I am not an expert in communication; I do not have specific tactics to share with you about communicating with your partner or your children. Your partner and children will listen to you. But I would like to share what I have learned about communication over the past 15 years as an HR and as a certified NLP (Neuro-linguistic programming) coach, which may apply to parents.

During my past 15 years as HR, I specialized in the recruitment field. I interviewed many people for different positions in different countries. Whether the candidates are for CEO role or factory quality control specialists, whether they are German, French, Chinese, or Singaporean. Every person is unique. Each individual communicates differently, shaped by his/her personality, education, work experiences, and style preference. Therefore there is no one size fits all approach, particularly with your closed family.

However, I often heard partners complaining about each other because of miscommunication or parents not knowing what to talk about with children. Perhaps below a few "communication/interviewing tips" can help to do the icebreaker.

• Stay curious!

If you would like to know more about what happened to your partner and children during the day, you will need to stay truly curious. You are curious about what has happened and how it has happened to them during the day. You ask questions without any self-judgment or bias. You will be a good listener and ask relevant questions.

"Listen more than asking, ask more than saying your own opinions."

It's worth remembering that asking questions should happen at the right time means that the moment you ask is when your partner or child wants to share. Otherwise, the conversation will end soon, and your partner and child may feel pressured to answer questions.

• The 4W1H

We always try to ask open questions during interviews and avoid the "yes or no" closed questions because we want to find out more information and engage in conversations.

We can apply the same method for conversations with partners or children;

If you would like to know more about how they are doing during the day, using the 4W1H method may help start the conversation.

4W1H represents asking questions starting with "What, who, when, where, and how."

For example: How is your day? How is your project? What did you play at school?

• Try to avoid the "why" question!

When we ask the "why" question, it often leads people to start looking for reasons or even excuses for the answer, sometimes even for the sake of defending. Honestly, knowing these reasons will not positively promote the dialogue to go further but will complicate the situation.

For example: When a wife asks her husband, "Why did you do this?" She may want to know the situation, but the husband may feel questioned and challenged, so he starts to look for defense reasons. If both parties do not pay attention to the tone, a curious and straightforward question is likely to trigger a damaging communication storm.

If we don't ask "why," but we want to know why, how can we ask? Perhaps you can try to ask: "What made you decide to do this?"

• Finally, accept the fact that "there are some fundamental differences between the way men and women think and feel."

Although I am a firm believer and advocator in gender equality in the workplace, most men and women do think and feel different, particularly in the home setting,

Women are emotional and evocative by nature. When we tell our partners about our day or a situation that has happened, we merely want them to listen. We need to be heard, supported, and understood. We do not ask for suggestions or need criticism. Men are typically more analytical and pragmatic. When women talk about something frustrating, men's minds already start to develop questions, possibilities, and solutions to a problem that may not exist. Perhaps the above situation is more general; however, understanding these differences between partners can help communicate better. When you and your partner disagree or even argue in certain conditions, you may know that your partner cares about you. Only his/her way is different from what you expected.